Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to calm my uterus...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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