my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
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There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
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Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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