Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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