I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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