Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
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Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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