when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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