Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
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so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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