i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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