I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize