you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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