the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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