I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
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It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
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At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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