dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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