John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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