A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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