the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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