the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
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I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
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I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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