I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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