What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
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I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
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We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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