did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
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I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
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The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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