I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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