We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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