you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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