I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
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I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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