its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
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he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
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So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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