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The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
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Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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