i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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