when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
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Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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