Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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