somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize