Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
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Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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