my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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