I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize