Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize