Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
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When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
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he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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