NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
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I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
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It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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