I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize