Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
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Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
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He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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