my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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