I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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