I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
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Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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