Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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