why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
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I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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