I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
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i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
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To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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