I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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