I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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