Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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