Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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