His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
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Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You are the jesus of drinking
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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