We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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